Trolling By: Gremlik The Grump
You know, Modern Gaming really chaps my cheeks. The only Battle Royale I’m interested in is the one at the Buffet Line. FortNite, Player Unknowns. It’s too much. Is his really unknown? I think at this point somebody does! Plus it really makes it tough to get into immersed with no WiFi. My Neighbors changed their password on me again. All I can really do is look at the menu screens, and they could stand to be more accessible. Really don’t want to go over there again just to get the new code. Their food is awful, and the place smells like a Bingo Hall.
Any who, I found out today that playing as Oddjob in Goldeneye 64 is considered cheating. That’s unacceptable. So Rareware, you’re telling me all the years of Hat Tossing and laughing at my cousins didn’t happen? It totally did! I feel like I lost a friend today, so here’s a tribute to The Man. You’ll always be my number one. Pour out a keg for oddy.
The Next Great Xbox Hit Revealed
Microsoft announces timed exclusive-exclusive “DangR Mongoose: Orchestral Delight”. A platforming game that requires precise voice commands to play. A 4-Player Local mode lets users time their commands in harmony. Avoiding melody clashes with others, while getting DangR out of danger. Avoid Sharp Notes, and Deadly Wildlife. Controlling pitch levels will add to the team combo. Online play is expected because singing with people you don’t know, is usually better than with people you do.
N-Gage Mini Coming in 2019
Nokia today announced The N-Gage Mini. Pre-loaded with 3 of the system’s best titles, featuring an even smaller display and button functionality. New touch screen and affordable phone plans will make this a True Gaming Hybrid. You’ll want to make the switch. It fits safely in most ear drums making phone calls convenient and hip.
Leaked Atari Jaguar Domination Plans
A Top Secret list was allegedly grabbed and leaked by a disgruntled employee in March of 1995. This unknown man has been labeled as one of the main factors behind The Jaguar’s demise. He remains on the run today.
“It wasn’t because of the awkward shaped controller or flimsy game lineup, believe me. It was company tattlers who couldn’t stand the roar of the Jaguar. We had something here gosh dammit!” -Ron V. Rollins, Ex-Atari Employee.
There’s no doubt the landscape would have changed exponentially, morphing into a different beast all-together. However, a portion of This List dubbed “The Winning Season” has been found by 8-Bit Troll Representative Spliff Allen.
“We’ve uncovered a 250 page document listing plans, that I firmly believe would have taken the other companies out of business. Whoever leaked this list may have saved the industry we love. I present to you a few highlights of my findings.” -Spliff Allen, 8-Bit Troll Editor.
March 4th, 1995
Our Plan to Eradicate 3DO, Nintendo, Sega, and Sony from The Home Entertainment Circuit.
1. We Need our controllers to remain bigger than the competitors. It promotes dominance and fear.
2. Playing against others should be a no-brainer. Charge everyone $5 dollars a month. Let’s take advantage of The World Wide Web. AOL, CompuServe, all will reap the benefits.
3. Offer games that will encourage players to join us. We’re working on securing exclusive deals with the world’s top publishers. No system will ever compete. In the present or in the future. This hardware will be too extreme! Introducing The Winning Season. An Era of Gaming to end all eras. Here is the lineup scheduled for Jaguar 1995-96:
Bloody Roar : “Human fighters that would animorph into creatures of destruction, at the press of a button!”
Bill Clinton’s Night Trap
Golden Axe: Beast Rider
Mega Man Primal
MLB The Show 95′: “A Baseball Game we can finally call our own. ”
NBA Street: “This would blow NBA Jam out of the water. Take the Arcade Experience they love, but bring it back to the Roots of Hoops. Rucker Park, Afros, Tricks, can you feel it?”
Super Mario 63: “An idea is in-place to take Nintendo’s character into the third dimension. They’ll never see it coming. ”
Shenmue: “A Martial Arts Adventure Game. I have big plans for this one.”
Street Fighter Jaguar: “Another Street Fighter 2 Port with more furry animals.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles V: Pizza Power
Tekken Tag Tournament
Rage of Streets
Zoo Master: Buckwild
The current plan is to finalize a deal with Andre Agassi to be our official spokesman of this campaign. We will keep these titles secure. No one is permitted to release this list. Period. The results could be catastrophic. Winners don’t share.
Morgan Freeman Narration Mode coming to Assassin’s Creed Odyssey
Play Odyssey in its entirety. As a Legend. Let Morgan Freeman be your guide through The Grecian Landscape. Your every movement will be narrated in-game with grace and silk. This feature comes at no extra cost, though it really should. Ascend to a tranquil state, then pre-order immediately.
Division 2 Gets Tougher Than Tough
Division 2 to feature Active-Math problems. Correctly solving each will allow players the ability to reload their weapons. Randomly generated equations that grow tougher depending on the weapon used. Due to the unique button layouts, PlayStation 4 Owners will have the edge on consoles. “We thought this would challenge the intellectual prowess of our T-Clancy faithful. Show that fifth grade teacher you did know what she was talking about. Never has schoolwork been so pleasurable or tactical.” -Martin C. Sturgis, Ubi
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Fast News Bulletin (Sponsored by Dill’s Jelly Beans)
- Streets of Rage 4 to include Unreleased Music from Hologram Tupac and Sade.
- Starlink: Battle for Atlas to feature Characters from Homeboys in Outerspace.
- Nintendo’s Online Service adds ‘Perfect’ Lag Lobbies for all Smash Bros Ultimate users. Expect a rocky ride.
- AMC Movie Theaters to introduce Painless* Laser-Eye Lie Detection Technology. This is to combat Thieving Bootleggers and other hooligans.
- Health Alert: Playing Octopath Traveler non-stop can cause fatal fingernail cramping.
- Xbox Game Pass is updating its catalog with every Burger King Game released. Big Bumpin, Sneak King, and Pocketbike Racer. All Remastered in glorious 4K resolution. You’ll be able to smell The Whopper soon enough.
Red Dead Dip
Get that Smokey Western taste in your mouth with Rockstar’s Read Dead Dip. Key Boxes of Red Dead Redemption 2 will even feature a Dip Spit Slot. This lets players chew tobacco like mama used-to, without the loud swearing and Jiffy Pop dinners.