Readers 14 and up
Gremlik here. I woke up in the back of a semi, filled with Patti LaBelle’s Pumpkin Pie. I was about to eat all of them (cause you know, two stomachs) but Goober and Fantasia told me about the potential gold mine at hand. We started slangin’ pies in every neighborhood possible. If the shelf was empty at your local Walmart, that’s my bad. Looking for a holiday stocking stuffer? Ring my beeper. It’s $34 bucks a pie, Daddy needs a new PlayStation 2.
Battlefield: Cold War Announced
In a historically accurate representation of the world’s most violent war, take control. Guide Private Conrad Banks as he fights his way through the frozen trenches, taking out Super Soldiers of The U.S.S.R. Priced at a cool $44.99 expect a chilling campaign powered by the Frostbite 3 engine. DLC announced for this DLC is the “Tugboat Trevor pack”. Steer a tugboat ($16.78)! Avoid getting hit while cautiously delivering ammo and fragile cutlery to friendly forces. You can get the entire Cold War bundle for $99.99. Please buy, this supports you and EA equally.
Gremlik’s Recommendations: Pacific Blue Season 2 (1996)
Go ahead and skip Season One, It’s pretty bland and not enough episodes to binge. Season Two is fully loaded with extreme stunts and all-the black shorts anyone could handle. It has my lad Mario Lopez in it. He carries the show. Below are my picks of this Emmy Award Winning series.
Episode 6: “Enemy Within”
I like my psychics of the Ms. Cleo variety, but this stand-in did a great job helping the team bust some bad guys. Really if this person was made a series regular, there’s no doubt Pacific Blue would still be on the air.
Episode 15: “Black Pearl”
This episode really resonated with me. As you guys know, Goober was addicted to PEZ for years. He used to eat them whole, never chewed. Not once. Well in this episode, the crew cleans up the streets from a new kind of heroin. All I had to do was duct tape his eyes open and play this episode. I may have forced him to watch, but he’s been a better person ever since.
Pac-Blue needed more legitimacy. FBI agents were already working in conjunction with the squad (which was believable), but that’s not good enough. They should’ve interacted with the army, and brought in aliens. Wait a sec? Wasn’t there a movie about that? It had Jax Teller in it right? Ugh! Shoot! Well you get me. Grab the DVD’s before they sell out.
Spliff Allen’s 10 Buzz-Worthy reasons to like articles that give you 10 reasons to like something
1. Because you’re validating my opinion
2. Because you’re validating my opinion
3. Because you’re validating my opinion
4. Because you’re validating my opinion
5. Because you’re validating my opinion
6. Because you’re validating my opinion
7. Because you’re validating my opinion
8. Because you’re validating my opinion
9. Because you’re validating my opinion
10. Read reasons 1-9
Inspired by the popular game series Valve teams with Home Depot to give us a new kind of Portal. Introducing the “Porral Potty”. You’ll never miss another second of the game. Kyle shabebadick from Valve says “Pardon my french, but I think we are onto some shit here. There is nothing worse than stopping the critical thinking process to take care of bodily needs. So we came with the right solution.” Price point and release date unknown, but start saving now.
Ad: Delay Tissues
Gamer tissues announced. Sad Zelda isn’t coming out on Switch launch day? The Wii U receiving zero blockbusters this holiday season have you bummed? Try our quadruple-layered tissues. Our varieties of scented comfort will put you at ease. “Wait for it watermelon”, “Boo-Hoo-Berry”, and “Awwwwwwh Sour Apple”. Whine like a champion today!
Xbox 15 Year Anniversary Party
“If it ain’t green, I don’t want it seen.” -Mr. Gates
It’s rumored that key celebrities were denied entry because they weren’t wearing an article of green clothing. Kevin Federline, Ashley Tisdale, and Ceelo Green were among those left outside. K-Fed could be heard repeatedly yelling “I still got it yo!”
Battletoad Jaegarbombs, Icelandic Celery Sticks, and other organics rounded out the hors d’oeuvres. Plenty of Xbox Titles available in each area of the home. Every Bathroom and kitchen sported a kiosk.
A Running warthog was left in the middle of the event’s dance floor which later caused a Guinness World record of the most people passing out at the same time.
Bill Gates was seen throwing empty copies of Halo 6 and Gears 5 at scantily clad patrons.
Xbox 15 was a night to remember.
Peter Molyneux’s Latest VR Game “Alone”
“I want to tell to you. Alone is my new game for the VR headset. It gives you the euphoric feeling of connection through disconnection to connect with nothing.” -Peter Molyneux
“The music was uber soothing. I felt I went everywhere without going anywhere.” -Kal Jasper
“My choices weren’t visible, yet they were infinite. Never has darkness brought so much color to my imagination.” -Brandon Soccero
“Lit.” -KJ, Play Legit CEO
Coming to everything VR, Sources claim this is the first video game with no ending. It could go on forever. Infinite possibilities.
“You see ladies and gents, the story lasts as long as you want it to. You don’t have to lose, nor win, you simply have to be. Alone is the first game where you experience yourself. There’s an amazing offline feature where you don’t have to connect any device at all. It’s a revolutionary mode we’re calling: Deep Thoughts.” -Peter Molyneux
Gremlik Reviews Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare/Modern Warfare Remastered
You know they almost had everything right. The weapons, all that hopping around, space stuff. It’s all there. I Just find it odd that Jon Snow gets his time to shine, what about Master Chief? Hell, I would have taken Spartan Locke any day of the week. What happened to my grunts? This takes itself way too serious. I “bought” the 80 dollar edition thinking two Call of Duty titles would be inside. All i got was Halo 6! I couldn’t access the other game. I know what your thinking, and downloading it wouldn’t have worked. Panera Bread changed their Wifi password on me! Sorry Chief they let you down.
Call of Duty Infinite Warfare Legacy Edition gets 3.38 out 7 snots
Grooming God Mode
Beard trimming feature announced for God of War 4. In this latest chapter not only can you enjoy the single player game, there’s a local two player coop mode. To combat the viral outrage of Kratos’ new 4K facial hair, a thunderous option gives player two the power. Using the right analog stick on the Playstation DualShock 4 controller, manipulate his beard, and adjust the length by vigorously shaking the controller. You can imagine cut-scenes coming to life with this mode enabled. Legendary Norse-Beard variations expected at launch. Hitting the share button will automatically send your custom chin-fur online on FB, twitter, Myspace, IG, Vine, and Snapchat. This announcement was made during a No-Shave November Gaming Tournament. #ForBetterorNorse
The movie was Pacific Rim, I remembered! You’re Welcome. Stop Having Fun!
Trolled By: Vex and KJ