Gremlik here, letting you know to look out for me! This is big news.  I’m auditioning for American Ninja Warrior.  Preparation plans include multiple playthroughs of Super Mario Bros and Bubsy.  Staying hydrated on hard liquor, with a dash of Sunny D.  I’m taking pointers from Matthew McConaughey, doing the Dallas Buyers Club diet.

These are some of the things I do to keep my mind off another crusty Valentine’s Day.  Hooray for another year of not being alone. I guess.  Here’s stuff in February I found on a napkin.

Charlie Chaplin’s “Gipsy Express” DLC

Staying ahead of the game, 10 Turn preemptively drops this golden nugget of news to avoid the E3 rush.  An update coming this fall ($15.99) you can drive in the speed of silence with Chaplin.  Twenty-four never seen tracks.  Split screen local play isn’t possible, due to graphical fidelity.  It has to run at 1080p/60 frames per second.  Couch coop is a no-go, but throwback fun is a yes-yo!  Glen Palmer, 38, a developer with the company has been quoted saying “This is what the fans wanted, and we delivered.  Never has development been so easy as adding the legacy of Chaplin, to the legacy of Forza: The PB and J of gaming.”

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CyberWU

The exact, permanent, definite and final release for Cyberpunk 2077 was announced.  Our flawless sources can confirm a date of March 17, 2077.  This will give CD Projekt Red plenty of time to deliver another smash hit.  Step aside Witcher 3. The future is looking brighter every day.  “Many current gamers will be angry at our pursuit of perfection, but consider our game as a part of history.” -Terry Lavender.  This will coincide with the wutang clan’s secret album finally releasing.  At the moment this gem is being held by Martin Shkreli.

Slippy Hits The Road

Unleash your inner maverick.  Hit the road running with Slippy.  This fan-favorite of the Star Fox universe has always been in high-demand.  However, his iconic voice has been limited.  Now Slippy Toad will navigate anyone with the “TomTom Landmaster 64”.

Breaking News!

This news comes fresh Out of Oklahoma.  Susan Strong, a 3rd grade Math Teacher at High Green Hills Elementary, is in hot water today.  After what was an innocent attempt to reward her class, turned into a Qbert of a situation. The teacher gave out beta keys for Tom Clancy’s The Division, to celebrate the achievement of all A’s.  Reactions from parents varied but they shared the same sentiment.  Proud Parent Latisha Hendricks came home to a “Oh no this bitch didn’t” moment when she saw her son looting other players in the Dark Zone.  HGH Principal Percy Daniels reached out to Conor Mcgregor to give a speech in the school’s lunchroom  about violence prevention.

Gremlik Reviews The “2013 Kia Soul”

I’m here with a retro review of the 2013 Soul.  I went on 7-hour test drives.  I was kicked out of 5 kia stores.  How can you properly review a car in 30 minutes?  That’s hogwash. Because of that I cannot issue a final score, But I liked what I saw.  It’s good to see American made vehicles taking the wheel, and once again setting the bar high.

No Score

Warriors Reborn

Take one of TV’s most memorable series and give it unlimited life.  The Nighttime Soap Classic “Dynasty” hits a new generation of fans. Gamers will take the dynasty all-stars and clash against the cast-mates from “Dallas”.  This being the first musou game to run on the unreal engine 4, expect a visual masterpiece.  Justice League step aside, this is the ensemble you’ve been waiting for.  In other news, this game will serve as the official reboot to the long running Dynasty Warriors franchise.

A New Voice

James Earl Jones is stepping aside as the voice of Darth Vader.  However, Disney has promising prospects.  They have it narrowed down to Raven Symone, Henry Rollins, and Naven Andrews. Building Space mountain was a breeze compared to making this grand decision. Things are looking up for Star Wars: Rogue One.

I’m spent. Stop Having Fun!

Trolled By: Vex and KJ