Real Talk By: The AX
“In the near future, at the end of the 20th century, the apocalypse has had an apocalypse.” What kind of apocalyptic apocalypse, you ask? On what scale does the first apocalypse relate to the second one? It doesn’t matter, and that is precisely the tone of Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. Only relating to Far Cry 3 in spirit, Blood Dragon is an absurd lovechild of Terminator, neon, dragons, neon, and Tron. Oh, did I mention neon? The world is largely pink and purple with a synth soundtrack that puts you 30 years in the past. With raunchy and foul humor in the same vein as Borderlands, Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon has made me laugh the most of any game I have played since Portal 2. That says a lot because everyone tells me I look like Grumpy Cat. But more handsome.
The premise of Blood Dragon is fantastically awful: You are Sergeant Rex Power Colt on a mission to stop your former CO Ike Sloan from plunging the world into anarchy. This makes no sense whatsoever as there have apparently been 2 prior nuclear wars, with Canada now being a wasteland used to test new nuclear weapons. The world sounds to be relatively anarchist as the game begins, so how would one manage to make it worse? These are questions that no one asks because they are too busy killing cybersharks and robocrocs with arm mounted laser cannons while being chased by an army of cyborgs fighting a dragon that shoots laser beams from its mouth. This is by far the manliest game I have ever played. Can you equip the pistol from RoboCop or the shotgun from Terminator 2 , or even a minigun with sweat-wicking grips and a surround sound system in Call of Duty? Nope. I think I need your man-card, Treyarch.
As I mentioned before, some of the species from Far Cry 3 have been “improved” for Blood Dragon. The turtles are “mutated” (they don’t look any different, I’m assuming the developers desperately wanted to make a Ninja Turtles joke), the goats are missing flesh and are called Devil Goats, and the panthers are chrome. The addition of the Blood Dragon was very welcome and somewhat addressed my need for Far Cry 3: Jurassic Park Edition (seriously, I would pay another 60 dollars for that as long as I get to play as Jeff Goldblum). Combining a dragon with a Tyrannosaurus that glows was an idea that I wish I was cool enough to come up with. It shoots laser beams from its mouth and glows the color of stop lights so you know when you have pissed it off, and it eats humans and cyborgs alike, with a love for Cyber-hearts that you rip out of the chests of your fallen enemies. How can anyone not think that is the best thing ever?! Well, give it a top hat, monocle, and a British accent, and that is the greatest thing ever.
The cutscenes are all rendered in 16-bit style that will kick you right in the childhood. That is until the 16-bit sex scene comes up and you won’t know whether to laugh or feel extremely uncomfortable. “I wanna be blinded by your cyber love.” The voice acting is terrible, yet perfect at the same time. Michael Biehn (most known for Terminator and Aliens) stars as Rex and the one-liners just keep coming. They are entertaining until they start repeating, so after about 12 hours of pilfering Cyber-hearts I heard “heartbroken” puns a good 30-40 times. I mean some of these puns are so bad you would think they hired me to write them. If you are a good shot, beware of the headshot puns.
The gameplay is a ripped straight from Far Cry 3 so people who experienced one of the best games of 2012 will know exactly what they are jumping into. There are a few awesome additions, like not having to upgrade your inventory to hold 4 weapons or carry more money, running without ever getting tired, not having to breathe underwater, and being able to survive a jump from any height. You are Rex Power Colt, after all. The collectibles are VHS tapes and tube TVs and are easily found when you purchase treasure maps on floppy disks. Yes, floppy disks. Weapons can carry multiple upgrades at one time, and your assault rifle can be upgraded to a laser rifle with a clip that holds 180 rounds. My personal favorite new feature is the knife mechanic. When you aren’t near any enemies, your knife button produces a certain gesture that is typically intended to offend the recipient. Hilarity ensues when you finish knifing the enemy and flip it off. Why? Because you can, and that should be reason enough.
Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon is already on my Best of 2013 list, and will more than likely be my favorite DLC of the year. Unless Bethesda teams up with GameFreak and makes an official Pokemon DLC to Skyrim, I cannot see how any extra content for a game can hope to go toe to toe with Blood Dragon. Killing cyborgs in an open world to music inspired by Predator, Terminator and John Carpenter’s The Thing is an instant classic in my book, and while Blood Dragon is far from classy or artistic, it is one of the most memorable (albeit short) experiences I have had the pleasure to play. At the low price of $15 dollars, there is no reason to pass on this gem. Unless you hate neon and hair metal, which I would say is the true definition of insanity.
Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon Gets
Out of Five
+Awesome throwback score
+Ridiculous dialogue/one liners
-A little too easy
-Could have been longer
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